PRESS RELEASE ABOUT MANATEES

The manatee is in danger. We must help!

The manatee is a fat, lazy animal that flops around a little, living just “on the edge of existence,” according to “Forces of Nature,” a documentary airing on WSBE TV.

The narrator explained, while I painfully watched footage of manatees floating lazily around some food-type plants but making no effort to eat, these creatures are just getting fatter and lazier, a direct result of man’s influence.

The real problem, though, the show told me, is the Florida manatees actually belong in warmer water. They suffer from being too lazy to swim there, even though they have an “elegant, paddle-shaped tail.” The show explains the problem is moving.

And it’s our fault. The water is getting colder because … wait I have to watch more, they’re just getting to this part. But a woman is saying it’s “really sad” their “warm water habitat” is being replaced by “ours.”

Typical.

Apparently the manatees are going to hang out at power stations, where there’s “warm outflow water.” Even though we made the power stations, it’s clear the warm water, the only thing keeping these mammoth pillow-like elephants of the sea alive, is an unintended consequence, a mistake. Maybe it’s karma.

Just real quick: I did not research at all for this article. I just couldn’t sleep. Don’t ask me about it because even though I saw it, I don’t understand it. I’m not 100% sure I was awake. I am sure manatees are funny-looking, but deserve some respect!

This was not a real press release.

That part I made up.

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