MANATEES ADVOCATE FAIRNESS

(Miami) In an unexpected move this week, Florida’s manatees announced their support of the far-left revolutionary group TPP.

From their field office just outside Zoo Miami, spokesman “Fred the Manatee” told an excited crowd of families their advocacy for the “Toilet Paper Party,” a group that focuses on fairness in family life, is mostly symbolic.

TPP made the news last month, when they sued toilet paper holder manufacturers, calling them fascist and claiming their product causes instability in the family. The group, which refers to itself as “The Party of Movement,” claims a small shelf near the toilet would “obviously improve the country’s divorce rate and help bring people together.”

They say modern toilet paper rolls are designed to cause disputes and anarchy.

In a related story, TPP this week announced it will sue Coca-Cola, saying in a prepared statement “the company’s relentless competition with Pepsi has gone on long enough!”

This week’s zoo press conference was cut short when paramedics arrived to treat a boy in the crowd who had fainted when he noticed his tuna fish sandwich was cut at too much of an angle. The boy’s mother told reporters he’d been under stress since finding out the city won’t let him have a pony.

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