GRID PRIME DEBUTS, STORMS PERSIST

(PROVIDENCE) Sources tell the Associated Press Google has denied involvement in causing two full months of unpleasant weather in the Eastern U.S.. An unidentified source calling himself the “Weather Whistle” appeared on the TV program “Nature Cat” Monday, saying he was claiming responsibility on behalf of Google for a windstorm that caused widespread power outages in New England this week.

The “Whistle,” on the phone with an electronic voice mask, said he has worked for both Elon Musk and Google as a weather manipulation specialist, as well as for National Grid, delivery operator for electricity in many Northeast states, as an inefficiency maximization consultant.

In the brief, unplanned appearance, Whistle said Russia and China are also involved in the new space race, which he dubbed “the perfect storm.” He said the leading strategy is to soak and freeze large populations, then simply take away their electricity, leaving them so tired and grateful they finally have their power back they won’t make any effort to question the frequent storms and extended repair times.

Meanwhile, in Rhode Island, WPRI TV reported most, but not all, customers had their power back a full four days after a quick but admittedly windy storm swept through last Friday. The local newscasts are busy predicting another storm on the way, but National Grid has escaped any attempt by the media at effective questioning about vastly incompetant customer response times.

The power company today unveiled a new efficiency play called “Grid Prime.” It’s a membership program intended to give customers who pay a hundred dollars-a-year priority during power outages. Critics say those who don’t join, as if waiting for a package from Amazon without  its “Prime,” are held hostage just to create perceived value.

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