FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: MANATEES DEMAND APOLOGY

Hello. My name is Fred, and I’m a manatee. I’m writing because I was offended by the tone of the previous article on this blog, titled “Press Release About Manatees.”

The author even admits he doesn’t know anything about manatees, and it’s not really a press release. We manatees don’t like it when humans act in a distrespectful manner toward us, and demand an apology. We also have a short list.

MANATEE DEMANDS

We are fat and lazy, and would like to be treated like normal, healthy, active animals are. We also would like free food and warmer water. And better press coverage. We’d like to have a team set up at the zoo where we can monitor the opinions of humans, to make sure you don’t start thinking too highly of yourselves, leaving us to have to be inactive in water that’s slowly becoming more and more dramatically cold.

And quit hitting us with boats.

Please leave the aforementioned apology and detailed response by the sewer outflow, our temporary headquarters.

Truly,

Fred The Manatee

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