Easy Viking Teriyaki Meatballs

Mmmm. Meatballs!

What could be better? I like them little, so you can just pop them in your mouth. I also like to fry them instead of in the oven.

The recipe is simple …

1) Move to a house where they do not have city gas.

2) Periodically have trouble sleeping.

3) Eventually your propane delivery service, during a “bad winter,” probably soon, will charge you four-dollars per gallon. After paying $800-a-month a few times, quit your propane company and install a pellet stove.

4) Bide the time at night, when you can’t sleep, watching television. Soon you’ll own a Nuwave2 Precision Inductive Cooktop, the ultimate nose-flip at those propane people.

5) Purchase pre-cooked frozen little meatballs just before a big snowstorm, at the grocery store. The teriyaki ones are good, because they’re pre-flavored. You’ve been through enough; the rest is easy.

6) While standing near your precision inductive cooktop, hold the bag of frozen meatballs. Set cooktop to a toasty temperature.

7) Dump meatballs in. Be careful not to drop any on the floor. Because store-bought meatballs are professionally-manufactured, they’re nearly perfectly round, and will be hard to find. Hint: a good meatball will end up no-where near where it hits the floor.

8) Since they’re round, the meatballs practically cook themselves. Pretend you’re Julia Childs and swish them around a little every now and then. No need to set the table.

8.5) Add a little butter. Swish. Reduce heat to 175 (see TV for details). Cover.

9) Ask your cat to check for stray meatballs around the kitchen.

10) Invite friends over … enjoy! No messy flatware or dishes required. The meatballs can be eaten Viking-style, right out of the pan off the tip of a knife, which can be passed around.

Of course, the Vikings didn’t have induction cooktops, but they also would never have tolerated high heating fuel prices, so the recipe is historically-accurate. For an enhanced atmosphere or special occasion, cook the meatballs in a small subtly-decorated but sturdy shield over a campfire.

Traditionally, Viking Teriyaki Meatballs were always enjoyed after procurement of real estate, but if you can’t afford a new home (or pellet stove), you can skip right to step 7 (this is known as the super-easy method). These meatballs are also easy to enjoy in warm weather. In Florida they’re sometimes called “Spanish Teriyaki,” or, if you’re local, “Southballs.”

It was the Nordic military expansion to Sicily in the 11th century that inspired the modern meatball. The Italians made them bigger, many believe because it was less work. Vikings also, facilitated by advanced mercantile skills, sailed into North American ports like Newport, RI, where today their fare fetches top dollar in chic bayside restaurants.

Traditional Viking meatballs were served with no gravy or sauce, although as Vikings established communities farther south, over the years, they developed a wide variety of lovely accoutrements, including sauces, which are often associated with the long lineage of the Scandinavian people. Most genealogists agree the modern version of the Viking meatball is best sampled in New Haven, CT, at Ikea.

2 Replies to “Easy Viking Teriyaki Meatballs”

  1. IKEA ?!? They call them “Swedish Meatballs”. Are you suggesting that Sweden, that most gentle, enlightened, liberal republic (wait – do they still have a monarchy?), invaded Sicily on the point of a meatball knife, lo, those many centuries ago? I am shocked…..shocked….

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